Me when I walked into my house stoned in high school

Me when I walked into my house stoned in high school

sassyabrahamlincoln:

sassyabrahamlincoln:

4 score and 20 years ago i blazed it

now im stoned
image

(via burrgerking)

Hilarious pickup lines from a reddit thread

iinquire:

"Hey girl, you dropped something."
"What?"
"Your standards. Hi, I’m anon."

-


Walk up to 2 girls: “Hey you like to dance?”
"Yeah."
"Well can you go dance so I can talk to your friend?"

-

"There’ll only be 7 planets after I destroy Uranus."

-


"Wanna come back to my place and watch some porn on my 52 inch flat screen mirror?"

-

"Girl, are you sitting on that F5 key? Because that ass is refreshing."

-

"Is yo dad in jail? Cause if I was yo dad, I’d be in jail"

-

"Are you the Gulf of Mexico? Because I wanna drill you & make a huge mess."

-

"Did it hurt when you fell from Tennessee?
"Bonus: "Because if you were any more inbred, you’d be a sandwich."

-

"ey bb u wan sum fuk?"

-

"Damn gurl, you shit wit dat ass?"

-

"Is your name homework? ‘Cause I’m not doing you but I should be."

-

"You smell like trash, can I take you out?"

-

"I’m no weatherman, but you can expect 2 inches tonight."

-

"On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you tonight?"

-

"Hey, you wanna go back to my place for sex and pizza?"
"No thanks."
"What’s the matter? Don’t you like pizza?"

-

"Are you my big toe? Because I would bang you up against every piece of furniture in my apartment."

-

"Feel my shirt…. (feels shirt) You know what it’s made of?"
"No."
"Boyfriend material."

-

"Are you Medusa? Because my cock looked at you and went rock hard."

-

"When I was born they made be choose between a perfect memory of a huge dick"
"What did you choose?"
"I don’t remember"

-

"Hey are you a beaver?"
"WTF no"
"Are you sure you are not a beaver cuz DAAAAM"

-

"You know what I like in a girl? My dick."

-

"If you were a guy, I’d be gay for you."

-

"I’d suck your dads dick just to get a taste of the recipe"

-

"aye yo girl, back of yo head is RIDICULOUS"

-
Go to the club with a pillow. Girls will ask:
"What’s with the pillow?"
"It’s a chick magnet"
-
"Are you constipated? Because I could fuck the shit out of you."
-
"Hey girl, are you a doge? Because wow"
DAY 42 THEY STILL DONT SUSPECT I AM A DOG

DAY 42 THEY STILL DONT SUSPECT I AM A DOG

zooophagous:

hobboxcorner:

zooophagous:

taigas-den:

for all my wet-specimen admiring friends
*shudders*

I NEED TO DO THIS

Keep one by the door so you can say to door-to-door salespeople/mormons “Let me get the head of the household”.

I like you

zooophagous:

hobboxcorner:

zooophagous:

taigas-den:

for all my wet-specimen admiring friends

*shudders*

I NEED TO DO THIS

Keep one by the door so you can say to door-to-door salespeople/mormons “Let me get the head of the household”.

I like you

(via sadistskunk)

119139:

I turned on my old phone from two years ago and read through our texts. We were in the middle of a dirty conversation, which is kind of embarrassing, but makes me nostalgic. I miss the feeling of wanting to hide my phone from others because I didn’t want them to see the mushy-gushy text messages we would send each other. As I scrolled deeper into the past, I got to the long nights of arguments that were more than the 136 character limit so we were forced to send our angry words in three to four texts at a time. It’s weird because I miss those nights. I miss staying up late fighting because the fights were always resolved; whether it be that night or three days later. I’m not saying I miss you, I just miss fucking feeling something. Staying up until 2am talking was so comforting even if it was difficult to get out of bed the next day. I miss waking up and texting someone about the weird dream that had millions of zombies in it. The feeling of having someone there to talk to if my parents were being douches is so distant. Now I just sit on my bed and get so high that I forget my own name. It’s weird. I didn’t forget how to be in love with someone, I just don’t remember what it feels like anymore.

thespacegoat:

this will always be the only thing that;s funny to me tho

thespacegoat:

this will always be the only thing that;s funny to me tho

(via 4gifs)

Teaching Yebin a lesson (x)

sad AND adorable.

memewhore:

Double Scare Prank

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!?"

Don't trust anybody who compliments your smile.

They just get off on seeing the little bits of skeleton poking out through your gums.

Anybody who tells you you've got a nice smile is a certified skeleton fucker.

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Vist my jail cell.

Interrogate me.

Submit to me.